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My Life In a Nutshell

August 25th, 2011

Life Spinning Out of Control @ 11:34 pm

Current Mood: depressed depressed

Lately I feel like I'm life is getting out of control. A lot of my friends are going back to school or finding jobs in their major. I'm working at a supermarket as a cashier. I feel like I'm failing at life. I'm soooooo depressed! All I want to do is sleep and eat. Nothing else. I feel like everyone else is doing something great with their life and not me. I saw a girl I graduated in college. She told me she has a job as a teacher in a local school. I'm happy for her but I wanted to cry.... I felt like I should be having a great job and everything but I don't. I feel like I'm "that girl" that never made anything for herself. I wish I could get out of this but its not helping me.

Depressed and sore and tired..... Sleep maybe????

August 22nd, 2011

Getting Angry @ 08:57 pm

Current Location: my bedroom
Current Mood: angry angry

I'm kind of hating people asking what my plans are for the future. I DON"T KNOW!!!!! Is that soooo bad? Why do I have to start on a crappy full time job just bc I haven't found a full time job in my major? I'm pretty upset. I'm trying my best. UGH!!!!! I have a part time job now and I'm applying to some other part time jobs. The one offers part time benfits. Which will be very good since I don't have health insurance right now. Also I'm trying to save up everything I can. My game plan is to save as much of my check as I can. Then only spend it on food for me and my guinea pigs, gas to and from work, and bills. I'm also downsizing on my cell pay. I have a smart phone but I'm going back to just txting/calling phone. I will have even MORE money. I'm trying!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to just say FUCK IT to everyone! I'm a big girl. Plus I don't think I'm even celebrating my bday in a couple of weeks bc I won't be able to afford it. I don't want to be a burden on anyone.

August 10th, 2011

PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @ 06:50 am

Current Mood: angry angry
Tags: ,

 My phone is shut of bc my asshole bf said he would be able to pay it off and didn't. He says bc he doesn't have any money yet he can go out to dinner and such. I haven't been able to spend any of my money bc I'm always paying the cell bill. Also I want his brother off it and my mom off it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I fucking hate having to pay for their shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well I guess I won't have a phone for a couple of days. Lucky me. NOT!!! This is one thing IDK if I can live with. He says he will pay a bill but never does. How can I live with him then? I'm kind of even thinking about cancelling my phone and maybe breaking up with him. It seems stupid but if he can't pay a cell phone bill then will he be able to pay other bills we have in the future???

SO PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

August 8th, 2011

Went for a walk @ 08:37 pm

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

 After dinner I took my parents' dog, Angie, for a walk. It was really nice to go for a walk. I walked about 1.5miles. I feel good that I did it. PLUS I feel less stressed. Maybe I should exercise more. It might help with my stress. The walk also gave me uninterrupted time to think about what is going on in my life. I didn't fully work everything out but I did on some.

One thing I did think about is to get my bike up and running. That way I can move around the area. I can run to the pharmacy or get the paper. I can have some independence. If I get really motivated I might attempt to ride my bike to my bf's house. His house is about 6-7miles away. Tomorrow I plan on getting my bike out of the shed and to check it out. 

EDIT: I told my mom about biking and she loved the idea. Thank God!! Something I brought up and that she likes. Tomorrow I'm totally getting my bike out!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

STRESSED.................. @ 04:10 pm

Current Mood: stressed stressed

 I'm super stressed lately.......

I hate not having a car. I feel like I don't have my independence. On top of that I'm stressed out over trying to find a car. I have been looking for over a month and there isn't anything I can get in my price range. I'm soooooooo tired of looking for a car. Its making me so stressed.
Another thing that has been stressing me out is my parents. I feel like I can't do anything right. They are pissed at me for not spending all of my time with them and every decision I make I feel like its wrong. I'm a good person and I like to think I have made good decisions in the past. I feel like no matter what I saw/do its wrong. I hate it!!!!!!!!!!! My mom likes to txt me when she has been drinking and tells me hurtful stuff. I always get upset over it and I know I shouldn't but I love her. Sometimes I wish she would leave me alone.
Another thing is my bf's parents want me to move in with them. I would love to but I haven't told my parents. They have been hounding me about when I'm going to move in. How can I tell my parents that their only child is moving in with another family? Its hard. 
On top of all of this I'm trying to get certified as an elementary teacher. I just have to take a couple of tests and pass them. I feel like I will never pass them. I'm sooooo afraid I won't. Then what do I do as a living? 
Its been bad. I have thought about running away and sometimes when it was bad I think about killing myself or at least hurting myself. Like breaking a leg or something. I know that's bad but its hard. I have been having horrible panic attacks and my OCD is coming out again. I know I'm stressed but I don't know if I'm strong enough.  

July 18th, 2011

Weight loss @ 05:06 pm

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative
Current Music: It's Been Awhile by Staind

 Yesterday my bf and I were talking about looking into this swingers website. We want to add new items to our sex life and we thought maybe adding new people/experience will spice it up. I'm excited!!! I think it will be fun to meet new people. Esp bc we might have more in common with them than most of our friends. 

Anyway, this is another reason way I need to lose some more weight. I have lost about 5lbs already. I have noticed my boobs are getting smaller (something I'm happy about but not the bf), my stomach is flatter, and my legs look slimmer. I'm enjoying the compliments I am getting from my bf. Also I feel better about myself.

The funny thing is I haven't been doing anything really different but I don't mind. LOL!!!! ANYWAY, I have decided to make it more of a goal in my life. I need to lose the weight for my health and for my future. I am over weight and I want to feel better, inside and out. 

My plan is to keep up posting here and fb so I have people to give me motivation. Also I'm going to tell my friends and family. More people I can't back out of this. On top of that I plan on keeping a written journal with me so I can write down anything that will help with the weight lose. I hope I am able to do this. I want to feel more comfortable with my body. 

Graduation Party @ 04:31 pm

Current Location: my bedroom
Current Mood: bouncy bouncy
Tags: , ,

 On Saturday I had my college graduation party. It was a blast!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a movie themed party. I rented a popcorn machine and keg. My bf has a projector so I made a screen to hang off my porch. It was soooo great! Everyone had a blast and so did I. I had about 20 people to show and everyone had fun! It makes me want to throw another party. My birthday is coming up in a couple of months so I'm thinking about throwing a party. I don't know what kind of theme but I have a feeling people will be wanting to come to it. :) :) 

July 14th, 2011

another night in pain @ 01:39 am

I hate staying up because I'm in pain. my back is killing me, my knee is in pain too!!!! I'm going 24 and I feel like a little old lady. this shouldn't be happening. I really really need to make a life change to lose weight. I need to actually stick to an eating /exercising plan big time!!! I can't keep doing this to myself.
         Also I have another reason to lose the pounds. My bf got a really nice new camera and wants to take sexy pictures of me. I said I would only do it if I lose some weight. I know he won't forget it. Hopefully I can start this truely right and not give up.

My friend started a blot dedicated to losing weight and sends updates on fb. Maybe I should do that. Make me accountable for exercising and eating right. I will thinking about it more but it might be the right step to push me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


June 24th, 2011

Car Accident @ 07:09 am

Current Mood: anxious anxious

 Yesterday evening, 4pm, I was in a car accident a mile away from my house. I was stopped to let traffic go by to turn into a road. The road I was turning on to had a stop sign and there was a huge pick up truck stopped there. Well when the coast was clear I moved to turn. That was when the truck hit me. All I could see from my window was the grill of the truck. My car is really short and tiny. ( I think he probably didn't see me since he was on a hill.)

I was t-boned on my driver door. Thank god my window was down because my windshield cracked and I lost my side mirror. Also my door was dented in and I got a flat tire. 
It was horrible. That was my first car. I love my car!!! Well now I'm waiting to see what his insurance says and everything. Everything is waiting on that. Hopefully I get some money because I CAN'T afford a new car.
My mom and I were lucky enough to have this happen on a carnival day. Which means everyone in the area that includes cops, EMTs, and firemen where literary a house away from the accident area. They arrive before I could even think about moving from my car or even process the accident. It was good because I don't know how long we could have been waiting for them. Also one of my mom's friend is an EMT and she arrived there. It was great to see someone I knew. It made the whole experience a little better to coup with. 
On top of it all my dad's car wouldn't start so thank God a friend of the family was happening to get gas at the store at the intersection. He was able to give us a ride. SO right now we don't have any cars. My dad's won't start and my mom's is in the shop. UGH!!!!! 
Today I have to talk to my insurance and have them contact the cops and everything. My car/future car hangs in the balance. The cop that was at the accident said it was the guy's fault. I hope the insurance agrees with him. Cross my fingers...... I think I will just have to leave this up to God. I'm not a religious person but someone had to be looking over us. The accident could have been a lot worse. Overall we both had wrecked nerves and glass on our skin.  

June 23rd, 2011

Switching candy for fruit. @ 12:09 pm

Current Mood: ecstatic ecstatic
Tags: ,

 I work as a cashier at a grocery store and I have noticed one thing lately. I'm always hungry while I work. I normally pick the wrong type of food like candy/chips. Well if I plan on losing weight I should probably do something about it. Now I'm going to switch out candy/chips with something healthier like fruit. Its even cheaper than the bad stuff and healthier. I think it a good idea and I will get more fruit in my diet. I hope I can stick with it.  

My Life In a Nutshell